I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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