You really coming over, don't trick.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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