the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
