Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
