I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
