someone threw a dead crab at me
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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