i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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