I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
