have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
