Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
