i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
