I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
