Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
