our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
