You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
