i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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