all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
