i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
