We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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