Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
