she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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