i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
