Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
