Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Come see our sink grown plant.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
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