I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
This is my gift to your gina
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
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