I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize