My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
