I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
