____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My bed smells like the plague
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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