you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I can't turn off my feet"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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