He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
