Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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