Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
