i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
