cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
