If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
