we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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