i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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