Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I got inside last night via doggy door
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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