Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
