i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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