bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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