What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
