the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
