Are we in a gay sports bar?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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