"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
