I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
