I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
this just has baby written all over it
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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