When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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