he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Randomize