I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
