Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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