So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
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