Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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