I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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