Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
