Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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