How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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