hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
