You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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