He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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