upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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