3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize