Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
