I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
