Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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