Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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