Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize