By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
