When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
